Since this is my Blog I'll do what I want. This is an old fan fic based on mashing up characters in the old show Once Upon a Time on ABC and the cooking show Two Fat Ladies on BBC. Enjoy, or not!
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It was just a joke. Her sister bought it and gave it to her the day she printed her new business cards. Regina was out of a job, out of the mayor’s office, and looking for a different lifestyle in general. The mayoral duties day to day wore on her, she hadn’t been happy in a long time. She did have her son, but she isn’t her best self if she’s not going out and doing something with herself everyday. After she left the office, she had a few weeks worth of savings to get through. After the first week, she cleaned the whole house, even those plastic things on the top of the hot and cold knobs for the sink. She popped them off and went around the inside of their rims with a cotton swab dipped in alcohol. One of few things that seemed to calm her heart was cooking. She tried to convince herself that she was an excellent baker, but her apple pie and her lasagna weren’t really so great. Her son, Henry, would eat those meals anyway. It’s not like he had much of a choice. Zelena was her older sister, they had been estranged for many years but great loss and Zelena’s baby daughter brought them a flimsy footing on some common ground. As time progressed they found that they weren’t so different. Regina did have her reservations, but she’d never had to share anything before. She never had someone to share with before either. Zelena was crass and darkly funny in her moments, they did share a less than ideal upbringing. Once Zelena began to want more, Regina seemed to soften. Once Regina started to stay up late watching the cooking channel did she begin to start adding new recipes to her rotation. “What smells so good in here?” Zelena was at a point where she was just letting herself in, holding the baby seat/ carrier with little Robin cradled inside and tucked in with a hand knitted blanket. Yes, Regina was knitting. Or at least she was trying. The blanket was plenty warm but full of irregular knots and pulls in the material. Zelena kicked the door closed behind her, calling out to Regina as she made her way to the kitchen. “You could just leave the baby bag next to the door, look at you! Carrying a full fledged duffle bag?” Regina wiped her hands on her kitchen towel and took the bag off of her sister’s shoulders. Robin was awake and looking up at them both, making little bubbles at them. Zelena straightened her spine and rolled her shoulders back. Gently setting the carrier on the farmhouse table a few feet from the kitchen island. Her eyes drifted to the counter, “What is that?” Regina shrugged, “I made a bechamel sauce and flaked some steamed salmon into it, poured it over some greens and spread some mashed potatoes over.” Zelena’s eyes got small, looking at her sister as if she weren’t her sister. “Oh, and I found this truffle spread, I spooned some into the potatoes before I put the whole thing in the oven. Maybe that’s what you’re smelling?” Zelena pinched a fluffy tuft of mashed potato in her fingers and put it in her mouth, “Mmmm!” Regina smiled, “That’s so nice! Where’d you get this idea?” Regina looked down as she wiped the water from around the sink, “I can’t sleep most nights, I’ve been catching these two fat ladies cooking show but I never catch the beginning so I don’t know what it’s called.” “Two Fat Ladies? I love them!” Zelena said, as she moved to the cupboard and pulled out two bowls and opened a drawer for some spoons. “Yeah, me too.” Regina replied. “No, no. I mean that’s the name of the show, ‘Two Fat Ladies’!” “Really?” They both took corner pieces and started eating, it was a good meal for the first really cold day of fall. It was so good they both were quiet for a whole 15 minutes before Robin piped up and Zelena warmed a bottle for her. “This casserole-thing is awesome, Mom.” He said with his mouth half full, gathering up more on his spoon while looking down on his plate. Henry wasn’t starving, but he was more likely to eat lunch at school than take a bag lunch from home. He would eat dinner at home, but given the chance he’d go to Granny’s before heading home after school for a quick bite. “Thanks, Henry.” Regina never saw Henry eat anything in this kitchen the way he was eating that fish bake. She turned back to the counter and looked down at some odds and ends she gathered from the farmer’s market with a small half smile on her face, showing that little crinkle of a scar on her lip. It would have been easier to just buy some low sodium vegetable broth, but Regina was getting bored, she would tell herself. She had the time on her hands, but really she was getting more confident. She wilted the leeks in a pan. Once they were soft she threw the whole thing with it’s rendered juices and all into a blender and placed it back on the stove. Cooking had become something therapeutic to her, but she knew it was time she figured out a new career or at least a passive source of income. Zelena asked for the fish recipe, but she said it didn’t come out as good as Regina’s version. So Regina made her sister two pans, one for eating and one for freezing. She started to change it up if the ingredients weren’t available, instead of fish one day she did chicken, instead of potatoes she did rice. She found that doing brown rice in the slow cooker made it fluffier and softer, even if it did take longer it was worth it if it was made fool proof. She bought a stoneware covered dish with a vented lid and it was perfect for baking a whole chicken in since it was just the right size for it. Little tricks she experimented with made her technique rise to a new level. She bought the cookbook, “Two Fat Ladies”, and found a YouTube channel with Julia Child’s old shows in a bunch of clips. “Yes, okay no one else wants to say it: Julia was a terrible cook, but she was the first on television and I love that she makes mistakes. It gives me some hope I think.” One late night when she was watching alone in bed, she would talk to herself or to Julia as she was making three different kinds of quiche.
It hasn’t been easy. The townspeople haven’t really warmed to the idea of Regina and Zelena being around town, much less participating in things like the PTA or any ladies clubs. But Regina did have a friend in the Charmings, and since the father daughter team occupied the sheriff’s office they invited her to put together a really informal family dinner for them. In years past, Granny’s catered the department’s annual banquet, but since it’s literally just two people running that place not it seemed silly to do that. “Your first catering gig? Wow, way to go little sis!” Zelena’s voice was overtly sweet, it made Regina’s skin crawl. “Hey I got you something, just a sec.” Zelena’s voice went up a bit higher at the end of that statement, it made Regina uneasy. Zelena dug around her diaper bag to pull out a clear mylar envelope with a red apron inside. “Oh, thanks. I just have the one and it’s getting trashed.” “Don’t thank me yet though” Zelena smirked as Regina unfurled the apron. In big white bold print it said on the upper half “I FUCK BETTER THAN I COOK.” Regina just looked toward Zelena with a dead stare. Zelena had her shoulders tensed up and her hands in front of her, “Huh? Hey! It’s funny, or it’s supposed to be.” “A JOKE! It’s a joke, once upon a time you liked jokes right?” Regina’s face was like a stone statue.
“You know I can’t wear this right?” Regina just sighed and folded the apron back into it’s original unsuspecting form.
“Ugh, well then just keep it around for shits and giggles.”
As Regina was getting things together for the little dinner party, she had a bit if a disaster. All over her spread corn flour as she was measuring out for the rue the fan had to come her way.
Sheppard’s pie and quiche lorraine with a date and apple cake for dessert, a tossed salad with a balsamic dressing and brown rice with melted brie and a truffle oil drizzled over was what was packed in two foil lined fabric shopping bags in Regina’s car. Henry offered to help by setting up the warming plates, and of course, it was for his grandpa and mom after all. Regina was setting this all up in the Charming’s old apartment. In the new house, Emma had moved in her parents and baby brother as well. But the apartment would remain vacant since well, it’s Storybrooke. There are no new residents unless they’re born and come of age to a point where they’re ready to move out.
As they were setting up, Henry handed Regina an apron, the apron, “It was in the drawer with the dish towels” still folded up with the writing concealed in the plastic wrapping. Regina moved around the corner to a full length mirror on the bathroom door to figure out how to fold the top half of the apron over.
She heard the door open and close, with the keys jingling as Emma’s voice carried over through the space. She told Henry everything looks so good, and it was a bit of deja vu to see him in the old apartment again. Henry yelled for Mom, and Regina came out to greet her.
“Sorry guys, but David and Snow can’t come. Neal has a cold.” Emma looked at the table, “Wow this is kind of a lot, huh? You guys want to join me and I’ll bring plates back to the house or what?”
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