Welcoming My Sort Of Adopted Autistic Kid for Their 22nd Birthday in Upstate New York

Someone very dear to me is coming to stay for their 22nd birthday. My sort of adopted autistic disabled kid. Chosen family. They’re queer and neurodivergent and have survived so much. They’re making the journey up to quiet upstate New York to spend time with me and just be.

I’ve been prepping the house for weeks in the way you prep when you know someone needs softness and calm and care. Our pull-out couch is the guest bed so I went to Family Dollar and got a brand new mattress topper and a fresh set of pillows. I wanted it to feel clean and supportive and like a hug. Nothing fancy just what’s needed.

We’ll be heading to the Corning Museum of Glass for a birthday outing. They’ve made real efforts to make the space accessible to people with sensory needs. They have sensory-friendly backpacks that include noise-canceling headphones fidget tools and weighted blankets. They also provide color blind glasses to borrow so you can experience the full range of light and color in the galleries. There’s something magical about a space that thinks ahead and plans for difference.

We’ve also been working on friendship bracelets together but not just any. We made medical alert friendship bracelets. They’re soft elastic beaded and spell out critical info like ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN or AUTISTIC or just QUEER. These bracelets aren’t just cute or personal. They’re safety. They’re care you can wear. My kid got excited seeing their name and needs represented in a way that doesn’t scream hospital or emergency. They’re part identity and part shield.

To celebrate their birthday we’re making a homemade cake with no food dye and no milk. They have sensory and dietary sensitivities so I wanted something gentle sweet and safe that still feels like a real celebration.

Vanilla Celebration Cake

No milk no food dye no coconut

Ingredients

2 and a half cups all-purpose flour

1 and a half cups sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

Half a teaspoon salt

Three quarters cup neutral oil like sunflower or canola

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar or lemon juice

1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract

One and a half cups water

Optional add chopped strawberries or raspberries

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

Grease and flour an 8 inch square or round pan

In a large bowl whisk together the flour sugar baking powder and salt

In another bowl mix oil vinegar vanilla and water

Pour the wet into the dry and stir just until smooth

Fold in the fruit if using

Pour into the prepared pan

Bake for 30 to 35 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean

Cool completely before frosting or serve with fresh berries and powdered sugar

It means the world that they trust me enough to come up here and be held and celebrated in the ways that feel good for them. I’m not their parent by blood but I am part of their support system and their story.

Chosen family is real family. And accessibility is love in practice