“‘You’re too Sensitive’ they say, Ok but let’s discuss this at the hospital”
Florence + The Machine Free
Was there ever a more relatable song lyric at this moment? I am trying to be that calm woman in the center of the storm, the soothing presence but this is a hard role to fill. Gritting my teeth so hard that I gave myself headaches was not part of my plan.
It is not just interesting but sad and frustrating how C-PTSD touches every facet of life for me. Ignoring my health has had big repercussions, and it seems like it’s related to medical neglect. When I think “I’ve felt worse pain” and keep powering through, it is detrimental to my health, and it is what I am used to.
The Scary Things
My own approach for the past few years is to lay out what I’m afraid of and just blurt it out. In 2021 I made a resolution to write about the things I am afraid of, and I never stopped.
Heading #1: The Bad
I am scared of having my second colonoscopy before the age of forty. I have an uncle who had polyps but not until his fifties. What does this even mean? Does this maybe mean cancer? Who’s going to take care of me? Would my situationship maybe turn more serious or would this call it off? What would this mean for my other relationships? Who could I count on to show up?
Heading #2: Overblown
I am scared of losing my mother. She is having a minor surgery but the routine things that could go wrong during surgery made me snowball things in my mind as the surgeon was going through them. There were also concerns about her teeth and her intubation but they will have dentists in the hospital just in case there are problems.
Heading #3: Worst Case
I am scared of maybe leaving my mother overnight at the hospital for this procedure. I’m not sure if that will happen, she should be home by the end of the day if we arrive at our specified time she should be good to go by a certain time. But if not I may have to leave her there to feed the cat and things at home. I’ll have to pack her an overnight bag just to be prepared.
I am scared because writing this all out is making my stomach hurt. I am having another period even though I only had one two weeks ago. It may be stress related. I am also having some hair loss, which will be addressed when I see my primary care soon!
This is the part where I have a hopeful message but the truth is I am overwhelmed and sad. Some things that have been helping me are Patrick Gannon’s workbook Soul Survivors and ASCA and OA meetings. Journaling everyday is also a good way to let off steam. I also enjoy some mindless activities like watching live gameplays on YouTube. Podcasts and music are good distractions for me too.
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