My biggest failure was waiting too long to break out on my own and start working on my own business full-time. But besides that, my biggest fails have centered around my inability to tell people FUCK YOU without an apology afterwards.
Let me explain…
A few years ago my father had two strokes and a heart attack. While I did everything within my own power to make him comfortable, keep in mind that my father is a total brat who has always had someone taking care of him. Well, when it came time for me to leave I remember being on the train platform with him to see me off. He began to cry, this is after I handed him a wad of cash I didn’t ever expect to be paid back mind you. I remember saying sarcastically, “I’m sorry Dad, I should have married rich… I shouldn’t have gone to college I should have spent my time not eating and looking for a rich husband instead.” He cried harder.
My biggest failure is that little sliver of truth in that statement that I thought to myself, this would be easier if I had a partner. I hate that I allowed myself to feel that in that moment. Years, distance and work have made that moment fade.
But among my biggest fails is allowing myself to feel things that have long since past. I still do have nightmares about working a desk though. I had one just this morning, for some reason the cast of “Cheers” was working in a big name discount retail store I used to work at nearly a decade ago. And one of the characters’ ex-wives was an obnoxious con artist/ serial returner. I lost my shit and screamed at the top of my lungs at her. In the end she said, “Can I at least get $5 for this?” And I yelled again, “Why don’t you go beg on the street for $5?!?”
I woke up with my right hand in a tight fist. Combined with the nerve pain I’ve been having the past few days; my fingers, wrist and all the way up to my elbow and into my shoulder was a stiff shooting pain. This is not the first strange nightmare this week either. I took a nap for about an hour on Monday in the late afternoon. One of a hand full of nightmare neighbors recently moved, they were actually maybe 60% of the reason I had to put up a big expensive privacy fence last year. Well, I still have the occasional nightmare that is very realistic, of people in my yard despite the fence for some reason thinking that they are entitled to be on my property. I yell and scream all the curse words, they never budge. I call one or two kids over and ask them why come here when I obviously don’t want them there and there’s a lovely park around the corner. What’s to stop them from going to the park? Since there is obviously no one watching them to being with? The kids start asking me for money, and I lost my mind. I start beating up this little kid, blood on my face, then I start screaming and call the police. WHY AM I HAVING THESE NIGHTMARES?
I used to have recurring nightmares where I was the one being chased, or being drowned, or falling. Now it’s the other way around. I’ve done some quick Google searches, and all that comes up regarding my specific dreams is “signs of PTSD.” Yes, maybe working retail has given me shell shock. That’s a thing, right? I have to say that I am not a violent person, I can remember raising my voice on maybe 3 occasions in my whole life. I’ve never been in a physical fight, unless you count one time when I was ten and this annoying girl in my neighborhood was being a little shit. But other than that, I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I do remember nearly taking a kid’s eye out playing swords with him with sticks in hand, I really thought I killed him! But he just had a black eye for a while. There was also a time when it was my friend’s birthday party and we played outside in the yard, we were doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing (I forget the specifics) but anyway I’m sure it was my fault and he got in trouble.
I still think about these things to this day, to be perfectly honest.
But I’m not doing ‘sorry’ anymore. That goes both ways too. I’m not saying it and I’m not accepting it. I don’t accept apologies, because too many times have I accepted an apology and it’s been an invitation to continue bad behavior. If you were really sorry you wouldn’t have done these things in the first place. Unless it was an honest accident, like spilling a glass of water or hitting the breaks too fast and getting into a fender bender.
All together, let’s place a moratorium on the word.
I just can’t take it anymore. It never fit well in my mouth to begin with and it stings my brain every time I hear it.
